Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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