i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
