dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
