My cat gives me a boner
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
