Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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