it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
