remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
