I love watching others lives come down to our level.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
