i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
cat food counts as protein by the way
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
