I accidentally had phone sex last night
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
