So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
