I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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