Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Ketchup is God's man juice
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
