New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
