She's the barista slut.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
