If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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