You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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