Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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