Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
