Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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