Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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