3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
