i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
