this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
