There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
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