I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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