u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
