TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
