The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
My Higher Power is John Stamos
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Randomize
