last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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