My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
