Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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