So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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