i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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