I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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