i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
