Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i already hear my dad disowning me
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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