I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
