My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
