Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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