i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
