What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
