I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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