I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
