I can tuck mytits in my pants
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
