Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
