Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
