i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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