I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
