Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
please don't ironically join a cult
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